Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
