Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
