I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
