Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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