Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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