i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
