Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
