Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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