i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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