I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
