I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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