I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
