So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
