I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
