Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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