I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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