Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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