Barsexuality is the new black.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
