I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
