alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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