help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
