I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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