It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
