I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
