i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
