Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
