god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
