mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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