I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
