4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
