I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
