Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
