i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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