cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
