Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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