I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
