There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
