what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
