When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
