Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
