Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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