the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
