I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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