Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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