My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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