you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
