I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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