not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Reggie can tackle my bush.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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