it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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