I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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