There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
