Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
