idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
