Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
